Monday, March 22, 2010

Not really blogging....

...just messing around.

I was in Panama recently, working...(on my way back home from Haiti), and I went to my blog. I googled someone and was like, wait a second...what shows up when I google myself..and of course my blog does. I started reading, when I should have been working but was pretty brain dead by then, and was looking at old old old posts. I love that I have this blog and that I do come and record my life every once in a while. I went to Sri Lamka round one and got all sentimental about my first time in the field. My first mission. It was all very sweet.

I have been blogging for...almost five years? Something like that, and it's like coming and reading an old diary of mine. It makes me want to blog again, properly. How many times have I said that?

I am back in NYC but haven't really been here. Was here for a week and then off to the UK for a training and then was back for a week and then Haiti and then am back for two weeks and another two months in Haiti.

I didn't have time to even pick my nose when in Haiti, much less blog. It was FULL ON, but totally awesome. I loved it. Adored it and was reminded how MUCH, how very very much I miss it. It was my first time in an emergency setting like that. It felt very emergency to me but it was still a month after. I would love to go in right at the on set of something and work in that. I have no idea how I would fare in it, but something tells me I would like it. And that I might even thrive on it. Which is a bit dangerous...on different levels.

Lots of people I know already think I am some sort of a disaster junkie, and I might very well be. I think about what I go out to do and won't do it (and people that hire me, won't let me do it) if I am just going to be in the way. I don't know how to quantify/qualify what I can bring to a situation like that since I'm not a doctor or an engineer or something tangible like that. But I do feel strongly that I do have an added value out there. It's something I struggle with and have struggled with for a while...and will continue to struggle with. Which, I think, is a good thing. Self doubt keep you on your toes. And one (I) need that for what I do.

The time I am spending in NYC, I am enjoying. Catching up with family and friends which is much needed. We have had a fab four days of weather (which ended with horrible rain today and for the rest of the week) and I have actually been working as well...which is kinda shocking given how lazy I can be. I have been taking French classes.

My head hurts SO much..or did the first three days. I felt like a total dolt and was speaking in a way kids in high school do when they are embarrassed to be speaking in a foreign language and don't really want to make the effort. Figured that I didn't want to lose my Spanish and actually, deep down, I am frustrated by French and how everything, though written differently, must sound the same. I am also frustrated that there was a time, when my brain was a sponge, that I didn't struggle so much with it and was able to hold conversations and now, I get what is being said to me for the most part, but god damn, speaking back to people is really tough.

Having said that, I am so eager to just talk to people, that I will do what I always do. Speak badly, but speak I must! Practice will get me there. And necessity. The great impetus of necessity will most certainly get me there.

I hope necessity is there on the other side...everyone speaks Creole, which I am not learning. Which might be a mistake. I think I will like Creole. It's written as it's heard..which I like. Lots. Like Spanish.

Ok, enough babbling. Micky is struggling with my taxes while I play scrabble and blog. Which is very notty of me. But he needs to concentrate and this keeps me from talking to him and asking him questions pretending to be helpful to keep the guilt away that I won't do my own taxes when all he really needs to do is have me shut up and get on with his mathematical genius.