Sunday, July 08, 2007

TWO HOURS

Ok, three hours but my dad will wake up in two in order to have his tea and check his email and read about the world for an hour before he takes me and my mum to the airport.

I am sitting in the middle of my stuff overflowing from suitcases and I am tempted to throw most of it back in the drawers that I have pulled it out of. I have no idea how much anything weighs and I don't want to know. I want to keep my hands on this keyboard of my pretty little mac which I will also give away, my constant companion for the last year, my big purchase with the big money I made with my first real job...keep my fingers moving, not look up at the time since I know I will forget things and will wonder why I didn't pack more systematically. I was just getting used to being in my room again. There are still drawers in here that I have not properly re discovered. The ghost of Zehra past has been very much alive while I slept, skyped, smoked, read, day dreamed in this room in the last few weeks. She will stay where she is and I will leave.

Ican't turn my suitcase over and just leave everything on the floor. Panic will strike at that moment which I am holding at bay with denial. I got home at midnight (two and a half hours ago) and slept on the couch for an hour. My parents keep asking if I have packed and my response has been to stomp my feet like a four year old and shake my head and say in a four year old's voice, Main NaheeN JaRahee HouN! (I'm Not Going!). I think they have enjoyed asking the last few times just to hear me say that and smile.

I am terribly excited about going to Sri Lanka. And strangely terrified. I realized it is because I don't know when I will see my family next. Usually, there are some milestones, some distance to reach in time, some inevitability that I will see them that keeps me going. Being the family that we are, we don't have anything planned right now. Everyone is too jet set.

Why am I scared? I hate that it keeps peeking out from under all the excitement.

I want to do well. I think I am also scared since this is real. It is not a fluke. I APPLIED for this job. It wasn't right place, right time. I went to school in order to do this. I have talked about it and dreamt about it. I am going to do this. I want to do it well. My expectations of myself must be reasonable. I shall have to be gentle with myself. I think I am perhaps putting undue pressure on myself. Fine, I have worked in Ampara before but no one will expect I know everything and that is just me being crazy. It's new for me. The streets will be the same, but everything else will be new and I need to just realize that everyone knows that.

Rant over. Sorry about that. Momentary panic. It will be ok.
It is ok.

Oh yeah, I still have a THESIS to write.

I'm off. Next stop, London.

1 comment:

zo said...

I'm sure you'll be fine. Say hi to AB for me! Besos & good luck my dear...