Friday, June 29, 2007

Bollywood

For those who know and love me or love to ridicule me, you know my passion for Bollywood. I had to post this. It's awesome. Don't know who to credit but with all things desi, sharing is caring and we infringe things left, right and center without a thought for IPR (Intellectual Property Rights. Some DVD selling (pirating) desi uncles in NJ and NYC stores know what that means now...the rest of you pay attention since the way this terrible world is going, it will come back and bite us all where the sun don't shine..unless of course, you are the new Bollywood starlets who, besharam that they are, let is all hang loose...where have all our values gone? And guess who will be doing the biting, by the way.....it will the young desi lawyers (lawyer is the new doctor as far as second generation privileged desi careers go in the USA)...Sakina, I hope you are reading and that I don't have to wake up one day with your flashlight in my face in the middle of some FBI raid on my pirated DVD and CD collection!!


Bollywood gave me unrealistic expectations about desi men-- a group on facebook for everyone who thought:


1) the guy you've been dreaming about is going to come find you while you dance away singing in the rain
2) he'll fall instantly in love with you and respect you even though you acted like a snotty brat
3) men have honorable intentions
4) he's actually going to show up at your village during your arranged marriage and win your family's heart
5) you'll meet him on a trip to europe
6) he'll actually realize he loves you
7) i love you = i want to spend my life with you
8) he'll leave his family empire to be with you
9) he fell in love while he saw you happily dancing at your friends wedding dreaming of your own weddding
10) he has any intentions of keeping those promises he told you the first day
11) he'll fight for you
12) he won't look at another woman because he thinks your beautiful
13) he thinks your beautiful
14) he put the dupatta over your head to show you that he respects you
15) he feeds you the line..."worship 3 women, ek. durga ma, do. appne mae...aur...aur"
16) he will remain celibate if you die because he loved you just THAT much...and you also think he never checked out or thought of other women while you were alive.
17) committment is a real word and can be applied between two people of the opposite gender
18) he cares if you cry
19) every desi party/wedding you go to you expect to meet the love of your life
20) every time you go out with your girlfriends, you think the desi guy who's been staring at you all night across the club is picturing taking you home to meet his mom and not his erm
21) you think the desi guy is going to jump in there and beat up a guy who insults you for dressin skanky and dancing in the rian
22) you think you actually look hot when your drenching wet in the rain and it makes your hair look sexy and he likes it
23) he's dying to spend the rest of his life honoring you as his wife
24) you guys are going to go to switzerland during your honeymoon and you'll get to walk in the meadow in a skanky sari even though it's snowing
25) your mother in law is actually going to like you
26) your going to be a cherished "bohu"
27) for the bachelor party he'll be telling his friends how amazing you are instead of hooking up with a hooker
28) at your sister's wedding, her husbands younger brother is going to be ridiculously hot and fall madly in love with you
29) the hot desi guy who sits behind you in class actually noticed you walking in with your long flowing black hair and not the blond in the mini skirt who winked at him before leaning over to retreive the pencil she "accidentally" dropped.
30) he's a virgin...he's been waiting his whole life to "make love" to you on your wedding night just like you have been waiting for him...
31) he'll still think your hot after you've had three kids and you spend your day wearing pretty sari's with your hair in a braid cooking with your mother in law
32) in regards to number 31, you think he's not cheating on you
33) your idea of a great weekend is going to be taking your kids to an amusement park, and you think he's going to be happy doing family things instead of seeing you in a halter top and mini skirt dancing on stage
34) you think you'll make a great balance between respectable mom and wife vs. sexy wife in bed and he'll let you get away with it.
35) the love of your life is your ridiculously hot best friend (male) who was there through all your girlish dreams but you just never realized he was the one....however, once you did he already found the "love of his life" in the form of a mini skirt wearing, desi song singing, foreigner who has "traditional" values....
36) your heart skips a beat and you gaze down at your lap demurely at the talk of your "dholi"
37) your heart goes mad when a guy in a shalwani approaches and grabs your dupatta before letting you slip away before any aunties catch you...
38) your idea of flirting is smiling shyly and running away.
39) you get all choked up when you hear old songs like khabhi khabhi and start imagining your "sohag raat" when the man of your dreams (who you happened date and then marry with your parents permission..yea rite) is going to lift your ghoonghaat and then lift your face and you'll blush and look down because you know whats going to happen but ur shy because you've never done anything with him before? right?
40) When you reject him...... he will be in tears and tell his friend 'zindegi mein PEHLI hum ne keise ko DIL se chaha' and you think its a true LOVE and except it
41) When you get mad and walk away, he grabs your hand and doesnt let go
42) out of NO WHERE, an EXTREMELY good looking guy will appear and tell you how he has been in love with you for years and has to come to sweep you off your feet
43: Losing your anklet at a wedding:

Bollywood version:
You lose your anklet while running and then you realize you lost it and when you turn around, a hot desi guy is on his knee, slowly holding it up and look at you. Then you're allowed to put your foot on his knee (its like the ultimate mutual agreement) and he puts it on for you. Your thanks to him is to push his knee so he falls unbalanced and you run away into a song where you flirt with each other the rest of the night.

Real version:
You purposely lose your anklet in front of a hot desi guy and 1. he doesn't notice. 2. he looks at it and walks away 3. he bends down and picks it up, hands it to you and walks away

Reality is tough :P

44) it's raining and ur wearing a hot saree. ur umbrella blows away with the wind. a HOTTT guy comes and picks it up for u and offers u a ride home or walks u home
45) You both get trapped in bad weather and are unable to make it to your own homes, so you spend a night in a run-down cottage for safety, maintaining a good distance form each other. When you two get home, your parents will slander you and threaten to disown you because they think you did something with him. To protect your honor in society and from hatred from your parents, he will marry you and settle everything.

2 comments:

Beth said...

Okay, now, talk about good Bollywood writing! Damn, girl! I'm linking this. :)

scribebollywood said...

heheheh....hilarioso and i can totally relate to this. thank god i'm not the only one. check out an article i wrote on this very subject, though not quite as witty, deals with the same topic.
http://www.eastwestmagazine.com/content/view/22/55/