Thursday, November 02, 2006

Gaps and other things

Man, it has been way too long. I know this. I have been bad. My computer has been bad as well. London has been bad and the internet at home has been bad. All this badness has added up to zero blogging. And to be honest, I was unable to articulate much for the first couple of weeks and so, again, another justification and reason for not blogging. Not like I was all that regular before I left. I have been weird about being here and try and get every opp to go home (been home once already and going again!) and I dont think I am giving London a chance but when I think about it, I wonder why I feel as if I have to. I don't have to fall in love with every single city I live in.

That's life boy-o.


For those who I have been in touch with, I have been saying this ad nauseum so bear with me and let me get everyone else caught up. London is a multi cultural city that is badly integrated and man, it sucks to be brown (specifically Pakistani and even in that, Mir Puri's who are in Manchester. I think Manchester is five driving hours away and I have no idea where the fuck MirPur is in Pakistan...first I ever heard of it but sounds like a bunch of dirty nasty fuckers who don't want to educate their kids or themselves....all hearsay...from the other Pakistanis here, by the way....). So it sucks to be brown and there is no such thing as brown or desi or South Asian. It Asian and as my flat mates mom and ex boyfriends mom have said to me (from the same social class), there is Asian, which is brown like me and then there is chinese.

I did laugh at that.

There is no brown solidarity either. This Pakistani boy asked me where I was from and I thought he might have thought I was middle eastern or Italian or Spanish, which has happened and I said, Oh, I'm brown too.

That is not an answer. Brown from where is what they want to know. How do I explain that as an American who calls Brooklyn home, with parents born in India, emigrated to Pakistan, who had to leave Pakistan for fear of religious persecution, I, their child who though American born and bred has lived in Karachi for seven years, feels more at home in India than in Pakistan.

I opted for the easy answer. I'm Shia.

A run down on the privilege thing. Brown people in the USA, privileged. I worked agasint this privilege in the way I dressed, acted, spoke walked, talked etc. All lip service it turns out. I am not from a privileged class here and god damn, Do I miss my privilege or what?
I miss it since I would rather be the one to turn it off or no as I would like. So awful of me. At least I have recognized it.

I am contending with the ideas of class for the first time. I am contending with a lot of things for the first time, but only since they are in my face....theoretically, I knew about all this. Words, words, words.

Not so happy with all the contention when it comes down to it. Discovering disturbing things about myself. And yes, a cliche, but about the world as well.

School is getting better and better and for all ye dev people out there....GO TO SCHOOL. And go earlier than later since even with my little one year experience, the first three weeks were painful since I felt like I was wasting my time. I am not. Esp sine I am doing Political Economy of Dev, which is indeed, kicking my ass, but totally worth it. Go to school, go to school, go to school. Or getting reading lists and read this shit.

I am not happy about the academic/practioner divide. I am not going to be able to solve it so I will not talk about it. Perhaps later. It is frustrating is all I can say about it right now.

xo

3 comments:

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Emma said...

oh fuck off you anonymous piece of shit! you have no place on my mate's blog. i don't understand why you think it's ok to abuse people's space with your marketing-machine-generated non-human like interaction. You know how you make money? by working! get a freakin job and work. there are atleast 486 different professions. Seriously.

Sorry Z, i think these people are HIDEOUS!!

ok anyway, Z. i am so seriously disappointed on your behalf. this is the first i've heard about your london. it makes me sad..

but you don't have to give london a chance for london's sake. london doesn't care. you gotta give it a chance for your sake. cuz you now live there. and are going to for a while. and you will not get the most out of these years if you aren't enjoying yourself. you hear.

ok

bye

we can do this over the phone.

love Emma.

Anonymous said...

London has hidden charms, although if you are living with prejudice it might be hard to find them.

Hugs,
the other E.