Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Excitement

The thought of an airport when I was younger would send me into transports of infinite joy. Even going and picking someone up at the airport was enough to keep me excited for days on end.

I can remember the time when that started to fade and how perplexed I was with this. I was 9. The excitement only hit me once I was on the plane. I remember when that too faded. I was 12.

At 28, when people ask the question, are you excited about going to London, all that comes out of my mouth and palpable attitude is, no, not really.

This is considered strange. I am supposed to be really excited at the thought of London, a city, and living and studying there.

I am but there is something else there that I have not figured out...some apprehension which even when I am putting it into words, sounds just like that to me...words.

It's so expensive, I say. True but not really cause for apprehension.
I am apprehensive, I say. True, but not cause for the feeling of non excitement and in fact, one would think that adds to any sort of a rush.
I want to bad mouth it and play it down before I get there in case everyone thinks I am a loser and therefore I can think and say, Well, I thought you all were losers before I got here. Good pre emptive action on my part but a moot point since I don't really expect to be a loser and I make friends easily.
I will miss my friends and family. True but A: most of my friends are not here anyway and I miss them already and B: I will miss my family regardless of where I am and always do but it has not before contributed to present feelings.

I refuse to believe at 28, I am losing a certain joie de vivre that I have always counted on. Not possible. More and more, I think, perhaps I am in denial. I don't want to turn into one of those people who have to travel far and wide and have crazy ass experiences in order to experience a rush from life. I want it to be more simple than that.

I think it will be ok.

I am excited about graduate school. It better live up to it's non expectation I have for it right now.

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