Sunday, July 30, 2006

What to do only?

I burnt my fingers last night. They fucking hurt like hell but are fine this morning. I thought it was going to be reminiscent of the time when I burnt my right foot by spilling a whole frying pan of burning hot, almost on fire, oil on it. That was nasty.
I liked how the monotony of my feelings was broken up with the burning sensation in my fingers. In a strange way, I felt like I was doing something. I was dealing with pain. And I was dealing with it bravely, something I like to do so that I can pride myself on it. I can pride myself on it by just wincing every once in a while but mostly soldiering on, stoically. I mock myself but parts of this are true. The larger part of pain for me is that I know it is finite and there is no point dwelling on it since the more you think about it, the more it pains you. It WILL go away at some point, as physical pain is wont to do. I just like to be mean to myself sometimes, (like these days) and therefore I mock myself.

I knew that I did not sit idle gracefully. I have just discovered something I previously ignored about myself or just did not have the concept of and thus no language to communicate with myself about: I don't do indecision gracefully either. Now that I have "real" choices in my life and want to participate in making choices rather than going with the flow or seeing where I end up (it seems preferrable now but I may have come too far), I am in a dreadful position of having cast a net and waiting to see what the fuck the deal is. I think this is why I cut my hair by the way. I think this is why I do anything at all to my body since those are easy, final sorts of decisions to make, that can be made, easily, quickly, definitively. I like decision making, which is possibly why I categorize myself as impulsive. Nothing pisses me off more (there are things but we will go with the figure of speech right now), than indecision. When people when hem and haw and say things like, I don't know, what do you what to do? and then not want to do what you want to do and have an opinion about it. Make a fucking decision, fuck face, and stick with it then.

I am being harsh, to no one is particular but a made up person of all the people who have mildly irritated me. The made up boogey man (and it is a man today), is made up of random words that random people have uttered that I have randomly picked up on (like, and have put together in a cohesive package to channel all my hate into. It's not even hate more than malcontentedness.

Dear graduate school which I have applied to: Tell me if I am coming to school or not, or if I should take my savings and fly myself over to Lebanon somehow and work with the Lebanese Red Crescent. Would appreciate it if you hurried the fuck up with that decision. How hard can it be? I am tired of not knowing. I am also really fucking tired of the question, so how long are you in NYC and what are your future plans? The next time I get asked that, which will probably be in the next five hours since I have human interaction planned for later on today, I will take a fork and stick it in the questioning person's hand. I will tell them to sue you and not me, since you are responsible for my not knowing the answer to these questions. They are Americans , the people I am meeting, so they will sue you. With American lawyers, so expect to lose.

So....what to do only?


Anonymous said...

You are a breath of fresh air. I miss you.


Anonymous said...

I miss you too. More in a "skanky stale Laundry" kind of way though.